When I was Six

It was the wedding of one of my cousins. They dolled me up in a little suit and a dickie-bow (I jest you not....and no, I don't have any pictures). It was a rather posh affair. Three bridesmaids, and me carrying a cushion with two rings on it. I didn't trust them perched on top of the cushion, so instead of carrying it like a tray as intended, I stuck one hand underneath and one hand on top. It looked like I was about to drop-kick it like a rugby ball.

It came to my part in the proceedings, but I was staring in mesmerised fashion at this rather gruesome picture of some beardy bloke nailed to some wood. I was pushed forward by one of the bridesmaids. I said 'Oh aye, sorry, 'ere they are'. Mam didn't look the best part pleased, but everyone else was cooing and saying 'Awwww bless him'. I suppose I was there for the cute factor.

After all the palaver was over and they had been covered in big handfuls of coloured paper shaped like horseshoes and hearts, we headed off to the reception. On the way there in the taxi I said 'Mam, Mam, Mam....will there be sausage rolls and then jelly for afters?' She said 'I wouldn't imagine so'. The day just seemed to be getting worse, and my dickie-bow was being pushed upwards by my starched shirt. At times it looked like I had a purple, comedy moustache.

We arrived at the venue and it looked really posh. There were all these miserable looking blokes walking around with drinks on trays. They were calling everyone Sir or Madam. I never got offered one though. A while later a waitress brought me a glass of orange juice. One of the blokes then started hitting something that looked like a brass dustbin lid, then it was time to sit down. We all found our tables. We had our names written on little cards. Mine said 'Master David Hayes' . I said 'Whoa look Mam, look, look. MASTER David Hayes' she smiled. 'Can I keep it Mam?' I asked her. She told me that she would put it in her handbag. poofy style dresses for prom party

In front of me was this white cloth inside a little ring thing. Mam told me that this was a napkin. 'What's it for Mam?' I asked her. She told me I had to drape it over my knees. The napkin was so big, that to a casual observer, it looked like I was wearing a white cotton dress. 'Now what Mam?' I asked her. 'Just leave it there while you eat' she replied.

They then brought us these shrimps in some pink gunk, and in a glass. They had also shoved some bits of lettuce in there. 'Can you eat that Mam?' I asked her. She told me that I could, and that it was called a prawn cocktail. I picked up a spoon from the table and dug in. Just then I noticed that everyone else was using a little fork. 'Oh well' I thought to myself, and soldiered on. Mam quickly took the napkin off my knee and pushed it down the front of my waistcoat. Just in time to stop big, pink blobs from covering the front of me.

After that we had roast chicken with posh looking potatoes, carrots and some long, green, pointy things. 'What are them things Mam?' I asked her. She said they were called something like 'A Sparrows Grass'. They tasted horrible so I left them. Everyone else was cooing over them. Weird!!!

Then my cousin and her bloke cut into this massive white cake with something that looked like a sword and everyone started taking photographs. I had no idea why. I have seem Mam cutting cake loads of times. Then everyone clapped. It was a total puzzlement to me. It looked easy enough, and two of them were holding the sword..ah well!!

Then it was time for pudding. 'Trifle yayyyy' I said as they placed the bowl in front of me. I licked clean the spoon I had eaten the prawns with and got stuck in. God, it was gorgeous. After that it all got a bit silly. My cousin and her bloke danced in the middle of the dance floor like they had both had a stroke and were supporting each other, while all the ladies started crying and saying things like 'Ee bless them. Don't they look happy together'

~ Wedding of the Month ~

Church pews they begin to fill
Dad still blanching at the bill
The Groom he will soon take a Wife
You can cut the tension with a knife.
Platitudes and gratitudes
Relatives with attitudes
A dress of white? - was that wise?
Her belly it is such a size
Wedding march, the bride in view
very soon both say "I DO"
Children fidget, mothers chide
"Sir, you may now kiss the bride"
Off they go to the Parish Hall
Music, dancing, have a ball !
The tables groan with food galore
Children sliding on the floor
Mothers glare a withering frown
Pick up their kids and dust them down
The band strikes up, a tenor croons
Uncle, PLEASE don't play the spoons !
The bride and groom for photos, kissing
The Best man and the bridesmaid missing???
Time to cut the wedding cake
(though the silver handled knife's a fake!)
Then the last waltz starts to play
and very soon they're on their way
Old folks talk of weddings past
The sceptics wonder "will it last?"
Then off they go, this man and wife
to parenthood, and their new life.

© Dave Hayes